Living under Grace…

The thought of relief found in pardon. The tension broken when found to be free, to be extended hands and arms wide open are always a welcome sight when found on the wrong side of the road… Grace. To put it plainly I have found it hard to live under Grace. Grace is given but at what cost? It is something I do not deserve. I just don’t understand why anyone would offer this free gift. But is it really free?

I’ve done a lot of things in my life. Some minor and some major (if we could even call them that). Some thing under my breathe or in brief passing of my thoughts. Some in the light and some in dark corners. Passing up on helping others while passing on help from others. I know I can never achieve being perfect. To think that would even be a sin and would be a cause for discipline. But how far does one go before living under Grace becomes to hard. I know Grace is always given freely and the burden is light. But I struggle to live free from time to time in that Grace, because I take so much in and coil it all inside and then i see the cost.

The cost is high. I may never see “the how much”. But I know it cost a lot. But somedays I feel like I’ve lost out, screwed up and find it harder to live under Grace. My journey is my own. My path walks along with others. Grace covers all. But I find it harder and harder to be me.

I don’t want to let people down. I don’t want people to be displeased with me. I want them to have a sense of pride to have known me. Not for recognition. But that I have done a small part on this earth not to disrupt the shalom that we have in this world.

But there are times… when living under that Grace is harder now when I fall. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it at all.